March 11, 2007

Ouch! I Fell Off the Wagon

This weekend has been awful. Not in the sense that anything really bad has been happening. It's basically just been like any other weekend. Except for it's the first weekend since trying to take better care of myself that I've had the kid at home with me too. Not sure that really has anything to do with it, but maybe it does.

Friday night was pretty much uneventful since I was up at the butt crack of dawn Friday morning. I pushed myself to stay awake until around 11:30pm in hopes that I'd actually sleep past 5am. It worked. I was up at 6:15am instead. {sigh}

On Saturday we did the semi-usual routine around here. Straightened up, did some laundry (only one load since the dryer is out and I had to borrow the neighbor's), then hit Costco and Walmart to stock up for the month. We goofed around the rest of the afternoon and evening, but by the time I put the kiddo to bed I was bouncing off the walls. Literally. All I wanted to do was jump in the car, crank up the tunes to ear deafening levels and drive............. FAST. That obviously wasn't an option with the little man upstairs sleeping, so I tried goofing off on the computer a bit. Ran into Groove online and spewed my craziness for awhile. When I could see it wasn't helping, and fearing I'd ruin his evening if I kept whining, I said g'nite and plopped in front of the TV.

Something he said, though, kept resonating within. Self loathing? I didn't feel like I was trapped like that last night, though I'm the first to admit I do suffer from that more often than I care to admit. It was more of a trapped feeling. Like I couldn't shut off my brain, wanted to get out of the house, and basically felt like a caged animal. Not a good feeling. I tried having a few drinks, and even tried taking a hot shower. Didn't help. So what did I end up doing? Stuffing Ding Dong's down my throat... at 10:30pm... then going to bed. Great!!

To top it off I haven't exercised all weekend, have been really bad about my water intake, ate the wrong foods, and suffered a minor migraine yesterday. Only one thing seems to sate me anymore. Not talking on the phone. Not being on the computer. Not watching TV. Not hanging out with the kid. Not drinking. Not smoking. Just eating.

I know it's not hunger, it's boredom and restlessness and frustration all rolled into one. Like I told Groove I feel like I'm borderline ADD. No amount of stimulation seems to be enough. I look for outlets like reading, cleaning, video games, puzzles, but none of them helps either. So I go day to day, from one thing to the other, without any sense of accomplishment, fulfillment, or excitement and end up turning to the one thing that's always been my fall back. Food.

I didn't even want to sit and write last night. But I've spent the majority of the day thinking about it, prepping myself to fall into the same trap tonight even though the bruises from last night haven't healed.

March 9, 2007

It Was One of Those Nights

Do you ever feel like someone else is at the master controls of your life, sitting behind the curtain flipping switches without warning and laughing hysterically to themselves at your actions? That's what life's like being an emotional eater. And let me tell you something. It pretty much sucks!

Last night was one of those nights for me. Day two on this week's emotional rollercoaster of life. And I plunged to the bottom. Then crashed. Literally.

The past two days have been full of extreme highs (finally moving my arse, getting a new computer & finding "forgotten money" on-line) and lows (being yelled at by my mother & hung up on by the ex). And in between there's been laughter, anger, tears, and apathy. Emotions I've grown used to over the years but somehow still can't seem to balance. They mess with my mind. Disrupt my sleep pattern. And worst of all, send me into an unconscious eating frenzy.

I didn't eat dinner with my son last night because he was out to dinner with his dad. Apparently this was enough of an excuse to my pitiful lack of self control to wait until after he went to bed to finally eat. I was good. A well balanced, portion controlled dinner. Shortly after, the sinking feeling I get when I've eaten too late, and when I'm tired. Emotionally tired. I rummaged through the pantry looking for anything to sate myself. Numb myself, maybe.

It wasn't until I was a third of the way through the bag that I realized what I was doing, but by then it was too late. The damage was done. I was tired. Physically, emotionally and mentally. I was sick. Sick to my stomach - not only for having eaten too much, but for losing what little control I seem to have over my choices.

And I crashed.

I'm disgusted.

March 7, 2007

I Did It! I Got Off My Tuckus!!

Well, actually I sat on my tuckus to do most of the exercising I did, but I did exercise today.

Started in with 20 minutes of various exercises including crunches, curls, arm and leg raises, shoulder curls, and heel raises. Then I hit the bike and did 2 miles. Whoa! Can I ever tell I haven't been moving much lately. That ride was hard, but I knew it probably would be.

I'm sure I'll be sore as hell tomorrow, but it was worth it. Now if I can just get something in tomorrow as well, sore or not.

March 6, 2007

I Thought About Exercise Today. Does That Count?

I am truly not off to a very good start on my exercise plan for the week. Ugh!

Monday was a total bust with trying to figure out wth is wrong with my dryer. Pulled it out, flipped it over, checked the lint traps and vents, but can't get it open to see what's making the noise. Does that count as exercise? Probably not since it's so light. Then there was the complete meltdown I almost had when my computer shut off again and this time wouldn't come back on for almost an hour. Oh good lord! Thankfully it's still hobbling along and an awesome friend offered to build me a new one. You rock!

Today. Well I really don't have any excuse for today other than I'm a complete slacker. I spent the morning working on stuff around the house and talking on the phone. Finally got in the shower with the intention of picking up the kid from school and having him take a walk with me since the weather was absolutely gorgeous today. See, I thought about it. Instead, I took my shower, had a sinking spell, and cat napped until it was time to pick him up. When I got to school he asked if he could play for a little while and 45 minutes later I told him we needed to go. After two store stops, and back home for homework time, it was time for dinner.

Obviously I'm not making it a priority. And obviously that needs to change.

So, that plan for tomorrow is this. Get up. Get the kid to school. Then come home and exercise before sitting my butt down or getting on the phone.

Wish me luck.

March 4, 2007

The End of Week 1

So here I am at the end of Week 1. It's ugly, my readers. Very, very ugly!! The number on the scale, that is. But first, let me review the goals I set for myself this week.

Drinking water. This one, surprisingly, turned out to be the easiest. Over the course of the week I consumed no less than 48 oz. of water every day, with yesterday topping the chart at 126 oz. Egads that's a lot of water!! I'm sure my little drunken episode on Friday night contributed to the completely dehydrated unquenchable thirst I felt yesterday. It hit me hard, folks. This gettin' healthy shit is dimmin' the lights of the 'party girl' me.

Eat breakfast. I made it through until yesterday with eating breakfast every morning by 9am. I got off track yesterday morning cuz I needed to be at the school to help move the classroom back now that the storm damage has been prepared. Then I had a donut. Bad, bad girl! The rest of the week I was good though. And what did it do? It made me hungry as a horse all freakin' day long!! OMG! I consumed more food last week than I used to eat in two weeks of not eating breakfast. And I was waking up hungry. I mean my stomach was literally screaming for food and would not be quiet until I gave it some. This is supposedly because I'm kicking my metabolism into gear, but c'mon. I can't keep eating so much food every day or I'll be back to the old me in the blink of an eye.

Exercise. Uh, yeah. Notsomuch. I'm not sure if it was the bloated feeling from drinking all that water, the post-eating draggies from all the damn food I was eating, or my metabolism trying to figure out how to work with the manufactured thyroxin I choke down my throat every morning, but exercise did not play a part in my week. Well, maybe a little yesterday with the classroom move, cleaning the house, and doing the laundry (up and down the stairs). Other than that, I took lots of naps and fought with my sleep schedule.

Writing. Didn't do much writing either, did I? For whatever reason my brain grabbed hold of the changes I was making and didn't rebel on me. I wasn't sitting there thinking about stuffing my face at night. And, since the week was fairly stable and my emotions were in check, I didn't have a lot of whining, or bitching, or moaning to do. It's a good thing I didn't try to write on Friday night though. You would have had a hard time trying to decipher what I was saying.

Now I head into Week 2. This week will be focused on exercising. I know it's the next step, and I want to take it. I'm just so bad at doing it unless I've got someone kicking me in the ass. So, this is your chance. Help get me moving. Give me a swift kick.

But in return you need to tell me what form of exercise works for you, and why you like it. I just haven't found anything that grabs me more than once or twice. So share your workout routines with me. Maybe I'll find something I like and will stick with.