March 11, 2007

Ouch! I Fell Off the Wagon

This weekend has been awful. Not in the sense that anything really bad has been happening. It's basically just been like any other weekend. Except for it's the first weekend since trying to take better care of myself that I've had the kid at home with me too. Not sure that really has anything to do with it, but maybe it does.

Friday night was pretty much uneventful since I was up at the butt crack of dawn Friday morning. I pushed myself to stay awake until around 11:30pm in hopes that I'd actually sleep past 5am. It worked. I was up at 6:15am instead. {sigh}

On Saturday we did the semi-usual routine around here. Straightened up, did some laundry (only one load since the dryer is out and I had to borrow the neighbor's), then hit Costco and Walmart to stock up for the month. We goofed around the rest of the afternoon and evening, but by the time I put the kiddo to bed I was bouncing off the walls. Literally. All I wanted to do was jump in the car, crank up the tunes to ear deafening levels and drive............. FAST. That obviously wasn't an option with the little man upstairs sleeping, so I tried goofing off on the computer a bit. Ran into Groove online and spewed my craziness for awhile. When I could see it wasn't helping, and fearing I'd ruin his evening if I kept whining, I said g'nite and plopped in front of the TV.

Something he said, though, kept resonating within. Self loathing? I didn't feel like I was trapped like that last night, though I'm the first to admit I do suffer from that more often than I care to admit. It was more of a trapped feeling. Like I couldn't shut off my brain, wanted to get out of the house, and basically felt like a caged animal. Not a good feeling. I tried having a few drinks, and even tried taking a hot shower. Didn't help. So what did I end up doing? Stuffing Ding Dong's down my throat... at 10:30pm... then going to bed. Great!!

To top it off I haven't exercised all weekend, have been really bad about my water intake, ate the wrong foods, and suffered a minor migraine yesterday. Only one thing seems to sate me anymore. Not talking on the phone. Not being on the computer. Not watching TV. Not hanging out with the kid. Not drinking. Not smoking. Just eating.

I know it's not hunger, it's boredom and restlessness and frustration all rolled into one. Like I told Groove I feel like I'm borderline ADD. No amount of stimulation seems to be enough. I look for outlets like reading, cleaning, video games, puzzles, but none of them helps either. So I go day to day, from one thing to the other, without any sense of accomplishment, fulfillment, or excitement and end up turning to the one thing that's always been my fall back. Food.

I didn't even want to sit and write last night. But I've spent the majority of the day thinking about it, prepping myself to fall into the same trap tonight even though the bruises from last night haven't healed.

4 comments:

Stacie said...

My honest opinion? I think you're ridiculously overwhelmed and not sure what to do next to get your life where you want it to be. I think that you have been working so hard to get on track and no one's giving you a reward for your work. I think that the more you write, the better your brain will feel-meaning once its on paper, you can 'forget' about it because its somewhere else. I think that you will get back on track with this thing very soon. I think you rock and I am amazed at how much you do to make your life and your son's life to be of full-quality, no matter what. Did I mention that you rock?

Stacie said...

My honest opinion? I think you're ridiculously overwhelmed and not sure what to do next to get your life where you want it to be. I think that you have been working so hard to get on track and no one's giving you a reward for your work. I think that the more you write, the better your brain will feel-meaning once its on paper, you can 'forget' about it because its somewhere else. I think that you will get back on track with this thing very soon. I think you rock and I am amazed at how much you do to make your life and your son's life to be of full-quality, no matter what. Did I mention that you rock?

Stacie said...

Sorry, I commented twice, since I'm a tool. DOH!

Liquid said...

Oh, I feel your pain! Except I tend to get stuck on those few drinks! Keep be honest with yourself and buy sugar free Ding-Dongs! Um, forget that "near beer" stuff, it really does just make you tinkle alot!
:)