February 27, 2007

I've Come a Long Way, Baby!

One of the "benefits" of my divorce was being granted permission by the United States Army to be issued a pseudo-military ID to access the hospital for my son. Along with this dubious honor I get to make an annual drive to Ft. Lewis to renew my ID, such as I did today. In the rain. And sleet. And snow showers. Oh what fun.

I got there at a good time (read as no waiting), walked in prepared to say "cheese" for the camera, when the girl behind the desk asks me, "Would you like to keep the same picture?" Now where the hell was she when I took my first military ID photo? The one that made me look hot, skinny, and kinda sexy. This last one. Let's just say it was, maybe, if you've got your beer goggles on, one step above my hideous driver's license photo. I asked if I had to keep it and she told me I could take a new one. A new one it was. And, although I didn't smile much, it's a million times better than the previously mentioned pictures.

So fast forward to dinner. WJ asks about my day, and what I did, so I tell him that I went to get my new ID. Which leads me to wondering where his ID went. I dug around looking for it and stuck it back in my wallet where it should be.

"That's not my ID," he says. "It's supposed to be white."

"No, that's my ID that's white. This is yours."

"Can I see your new one?"

"Sure," I say as I head over to my wallet to dig it out.

"Oooh! That looks great, Mom. And look. There's your other ID," he comments while looking at my hideous driver's license photo.

"Yuck!" I reply. "That ugly thing?"

"It's not ugly, Mom."

"It is to me. Do you know why?"

"No... why?" he asks.

"I was 32 lbs. heavier in that picture." And I held them up side by side, next to me. "Which Mommy do you like better?" I asked.

"I like YOU!" he replied.

Some day my son will be a politician.

I stopped and really looked at my driver's license picture. Really looked at it. It's not flattering in the least. And it repulsed me. My weight listed was 185, and that was probably a stretch - I was more like 190 at the time but wouldn't admit it. That me is gone. In so many ways. Put away in the past.

I've come a long way. And I'm still forging ahead!

February 26, 2007

Starting Off

My goals for this week are pretty basic but I've got to start somewhere, eh?

  • drink more water
  • eat breakfast
  • incorporate exercise into my routine at least 3 times this week
  • come here and write about whatever when I feel like it
Drinking water will be the hardest of the three for me to do. I am not, and never have been, a good water drinker. I just don't like plain water. Even though I know it's good for me, and that my body needs it, I have a hard time just sitting down and drinking water. So, as with any program I try to follow, I'll make adjustments along the way.

Eating breakfast sucks. I've not been a breakfast eater since I was a kid. It always makes me more hungry throughout the day, but supposedly it will boost my metabolism. We'll see.

Finding the time to exercise won't be a problem. It's actually doing it that will be hard. No excuses this time. I know I feel better when I exercise - I have more energy, I sleep better, and I'm less sassy. I just need to get off my ass and get moving.

Obviously the writing won't be a problem. And that's why I started this blog - to have an outlet to babble about whatever I want to. It's not to entertain others, it's for me. Of course if you're reading this, you're welcome to comment, or not. It's up to you.

Oh, and I won't be weighing myself every day either. It doesn't make sense to do so since I know initially I'll probably gain a few pounds from water weight. It'll be a sporadic thing and I'll let my clothes be my guide for now because for me a number on a scale doesn't mean shit. It's how I look and feel to myself that guides me in the positive direction.

Today's mood: a bit tired - it's early

February 25, 2007

Getting Ready to Make Some Major Changes

As I approach turning 40 I can't help but reflect on all the changes I've gone through in the past few years and think "What's next?" for the future. In an attempt to actually follow through with the next step of my life changing progression, I am starting this online journal of my actions, or inactions, to finally get with the program - for real this time.

In 2004 I was a very unhappy, and unhealthy, girl. With the separation and subsequent end of my marriage, I was topping the scale at the embarrassing weight of 190 lbs. On a 5' 7-1/2" frame you would think I would have been mortified - but I wasn't. I didn't see the "real" me when looking in the mirror. Just the me I thought I had always been. I was so far from reality it was ridiculous. When I finally realized I needed to make some changes, I refused to change because I didn't think I was worth it. However, the one good thing I can say about stress and major life unhappiness is it kicked my butt into gear whether I was ready or not. So I rode with it.

By the end of 2005, when I went back to work for the first time in 5 years, I had somehow (in spite of myself) dropped 13 lbs. This was a great start, but still not enough. I was at the same weight I got to after the birth of my son - the same weight I'd plateaued at and hadn't budged from for several years. It was depressing. Getting out of the house, working at a company with a fairly good sized campus that had lots of stairs (and actually using them even if it was just to go down to the smoker's lounge and back up again) helped. Then a co-worker friend and I started walking together every day at lunch. That's when I really started seeing some good progress. When I had to go out and buy new clothes because my pants were literally falling off my ass, I knew I was on my way!

I lost my job in August 2006 but continued my weight loss journey. Even though I wasn't walking every day, and hadn't replaced that with some other form of exercise, I was able to continue losing and finally, after years of failure and frustration, made it to my goal weight of 157 lbs. This was some random number I'd set in my brain thinking it was completely unattainable, but I'd finally gotten there nonetheless. And... I kept losing. Even through the holidays. At my lowest weight in over 20 years I was down to 148 lbs.

Then reality set in. The stress of being unemployed started to take its toll. Feeling the seclusion from adult interaction, lack of companionship, lack of financial security, and the inability to give or receive love hovered over me. And ultimately, the pounds started creeping back on. Slowly, albeit, but still coming back.

Today I weigh 153 lbs. Not bad considering. But now I know there is something negative happening and am aware that something needs to be done about it. Weight is just a number, and not one that I am ultimately obsessed with. What I am striving for is a more healthy lifestyle - in general. One that allows me to eat, and drink, and enjoy life to the fullest. One that makes me happy, and doesn't keep me on a leash. One that makes me feel accomplished because it IS one of the few things I can control.

This is the start of the continuation of my journey. My journey will be about:
  1. incorporating exercise into my life, and sticking with it
  2. continuing my weight loss
  3. quitting smoking
  4. and generally feeling better and healthier overall
And this blog will be my journal of truths, achievements, disappointments, and everything in between.

Today's weight: 153 lbs.
Today's mood: encouraged