February 25, 2007

Getting Ready to Make Some Major Changes

As I approach turning 40 I can't help but reflect on all the changes I've gone through in the past few years and think "What's next?" for the future. In an attempt to actually follow through with the next step of my life changing progression, I am starting this online journal of my actions, or inactions, to finally get with the program - for real this time.

In 2004 I was a very unhappy, and unhealthy, girl. With the separation and subsequent end of my marriage, I was topping the scale at the embarrassing weight of 190 lbs. On a 5' 7-1/2" frame you would think I would have been mortified - but I wasn't. I didn't see the "real" me when looking in the mirror. Just the me I thought I had always been. I was so far from reality it was ridiculous. When I finally realized I needed to make some changes, I refused to change because I didn't think I was worth it. However, the one good thing I can say about stress and major life unhappiness is it kicked my butt into gear whether I was ready or not. So I rode with it.

By the end of 2005, when I went back to work for the first time in 5 years, I had somehow (in spite of myself) dropped 13 lbs. This was a great start, but still not enough. I was at the same weight I got to after the birth of my son - the same weight I'd plateaued at and hadn't budged from for several years. It was depressing. Getting out of the house, working at a company with a fairly good sized campus that had lots of stairs (and actually using them even if it was just to go down to the smoker's lounge and back up again) helped. Then a co-worker friend and I started walking together every day at lunch. That's when I really started seeing some good progress. When I had to go out and buy new clothes because my pants were literally falling off my ass, I knew I was on my way!

I lost my job in August 2006 but continued my weight loss journey. Even though I wasn't walking every day, and hadn't replaced that with some other form of exercise, I was able to continue losing and finally, after years of failure and frustration, made it to my goal weight of 157 lbs. This was some random number I'd set in my brain thinking it was completely unattainable, but I'd finally gotten there nonetheless. And... I kept losing. Even through the holidays. At my lowest weight in over 20 years I was down to 148 lbs.

Then reality set in. The stress of being unemployed started to take its toll. Feeling the seclusion from adult interaction, lack of companionship, lack of financial security, and the inability to give or receive love hovered over me. And ultimately, the pounds started creeping back on. Slowly, albeit, but still coming back.

Today I weigh 153 lbs. Not bad considering. But now I know there is something negative happening and am aware that something needs to be done about it. Weight is just a number, and not one that I am ultimately obsessed with. What I am striving for is a more healthy lifestyle - in general. One that allows me to eat, and drink, and enjoy life to the fullest. One that makes me happy, and doesn't keep me on a leash. One that makes me feel accomplished because it IS one of the few things I can control.

This is the start of the continuation of my journey. My journey will be about:
  1. incorporating exercise into my life, and sticking with it
  2. continuing my weight loss
  3. quitting smoking
  4. and generally feeling better and healthier overall
And this blog will be my journal of truths, achievements, disappointments, and everything in between.

Today's weight: 153 lbs.
Today's mood: encouraged


Stacie said...

I've told you before, but I'll tell you again: I'm here to give you as much support as you need! I think its wonderful that you are feeling excited about making changes. For me, that excitement can be a real motivator! I think you're going to do great. I know its not the same, but you know I've been working hard at making changes over here, too. So, I'll be your cheerleader, my friend.

Groove said...

We all need it....I wouldn't poo poo this for the world.

Lisa said...

Thanks for the support you two! :D